Attempting to control situations often leads to a boomerang effect, where the one trying to control ends up losing control instead. Is this happening to you? If you're wondering whether you're exerting control, noticing the boomerang effect is a good indicator.
Many people who struggle with control find it difficult to see it as a negative behavior. After all, how can trying to protect others from harm be bad? Why don't others recognize that you're just trying to help?
People who seek to control are often "well-intentioned but misguided," as Robert Fritz puts it. While this is the subject of other discussions, for now, let's focus on how to become aware of your controlling tendencies.
Are Your Emotions Taking Over, Causing Them to Control You?
You see someone not doing what they need to do, so you push the control lever forward in your mind. Even if you don't say it to them, you think some form of "should, ought, or must." You may want them to change so they can avoid making your mistakes. Or you don't want them to make a choice you don't agree with or don't like.
Now, you feel your emotions engaging and don't want them to do it. If they continue, you believe there is a real danger they don't see. Worse yet, you feel it is your responsibility to stop them from doing it.
But they won't listen, so you become angry, resentful, or disappointed because "They just don't get it!"
That is a sign that you are in control mode. The boomerang effect is at work! The other person is in control of you! You try to control them, but they now control you!
Are You Focusing Only on the Negative?
Not only do they not get it, but they also don't see how much it will hurt them and others. You see them as incapable of noticing the harm that will occur. And, if they don't get it corrected, something terrible will happen to them and others.
Of course, if you are just concerned, that doesn't indicate trying to control. But, if you have elevated negative emotions creating worry, irritability, and anxiety, you are trying to control.
Is that always bad? No, but too often, you try to control something that you can't. And you aren't willing to encourage different behavior rather than force or manipulate to get them to change.
Worse yet, it may turn out alright! Again, the boomerang effect is at work! You are being controlled!
Are You Letting Their Actions Control You?
This question is the best of all questions for me. It accepts the premise that the boomerang effect is real. If I can see how they control me, it proves that I am most likely controlling.
It works this way. You want someone to stop doing something that hurts them. You tell them how bad it is, but they don't see the danger like you do, so they keep doing it.
Now, you amp up your effort to get them to change, but that doesn't stop their bad behavior. You experience elevated negative emotions because what they are doing is so bad! You become irritable, anxious, agitated, angry, discouraged, depressed, and more because they aren't doing what you want!
The more you try to get them to change, the more they control you - the boomerang effect is real. And, if they change, you are relieved. But if they don't, you are angry, depressed, etc. Either way, you are now a slave to what they do and what happens to them.
It doesn't need to be that way because you can hope, pray, and encourage them to change. You can even exhort and rebuke them, but ultimately, they choose to experience the consequences of their behavior. Believe it or not, despite your fears, it often works out for good!
WARNING - Handing the keys to your emotions over to other people is dangerous. That is what trying to control someone does.
You want freedom from worry, so you control them to change their behavior. But the boomerang effect happens, and you are now being controlled.